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Tom's stream of consciousness

As part of a first Dan promotion I ask my students to write an essay on what aikido means to them.

Tom first came to me as a beginner, describing himself as strong but fearful. He has been open about his problems and has recently been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum. He is the nicest possible person, very respectful of others and an incredible fount of knowledge on nature, especially plants. He is also my most consistent student, turning up for training twice a week and willing to do more if the opportunity arises.

He sent me the following and asked if it could be regarded as his 1st Dan essay. He calls it a ramble, but for me his stream of conscious outpouring captures extremely well the experience of training in aikido. I found it both insightful and moving. I reproduce it below with his consent.


So here are we you and I. Those of you who have trained with myself may have noticed I’m not a very vocal human being whilst on the mat,I’m not mute, I’m not even that. I guess here is where I may share with you a little bit of what Aikido means for me.


Growing up I never knew how to be with folk, I am a bit of a weirdo to be very honest, not in a bad way, I can far back as I remember feel life to be tough. A battle a struggle a war, I just always felt like a fight….this our lives, to be. Rather than growing up, I felt smaller lessened with time and worn away.

Yes yes this is why I don’t talk because it takes me so bleedin’ long to get to my point. I’m now getting there.

I’m active, I’m energetic often, often not. But life for me was a jumble, a haptic mess I guess. Just teetering along getting by. 

Anyway thirty eight years young I find Aikido on something named Youtube. I thought “wow, beautiful (and so difficult looking too)” something I’d have to wage a war on to never achieve! it looked to me wondrous impossible and so so perfectly impossible.

I’m a logician, a fact man. I’m a husband to my unfortunate wife and a parent to my more than fortunate kids, a runner (once(!)) footballer (yeah) a music LOVER, an easy goer a carpenter (hand tools (self-taught)) gardener tree climber a plantsman….time ago I was actually a talented Botanist…..yes, really! 

And a rambler it seems off point again!!

Then came Aikido, a martial art, thanks to a beginner class run by our Sensei Peter Downes who is a veteran of forty year’s practice and teaching and a seventh grade black belt, our teacher. Our Sensei has taught Andy Sensei and Beatta Sensei also whereby meaning him to be Shihan(teacher of teachers) and without doubt the most potent character and lethal gentleman I have ever had the pleasure to meet.

Here at our club in this dojo I have trained and trained to get better and better at being better. There is no best in Aikido so we all if we so will, can do well. We might aim high but we don’t over topple we don’t challenge we reach but as a together, we don’t over take we pass to the next one.

I’ve become a first grade black belt and that is why we meet here to read my essay on what Aikido is to me.

It has meant family and fear and lessons in lessons, never lessen but more lessons…been webs and glue and breath footsteps shadows patterns waves spaces in times and timings in between, unravelling of puzzles, mass confusion and massier confusions and shades depth voices and echo embarrassment and shame tears stains and camouflage angles points mirrors stances shapes technique painful banging noise when I blink, being bent into shape, stretched beyond ouch limping on Wednesday, helping and helped I’ve been given SO MUCH help hindrance partnership passion learning to smile (so tough I could crack) and learning to relax pride and headaches respect and guidance and pain turning up and turning up pain, two on the mat and three in the pub. Friends and family more tolerant and more tolerant of them and questions and answers more questions much more! So lovely go rolling tumbling falling and blending smooth tough round as a ball down a hill. Square and pointy stopped and stuttered thought stopped me moving. A want to do better better with you all. Keep turning up keep fighting forward. Bow to our Sensei bow to you too take your time whilst bowing so many lessons in each one never one.

YouTube is a joke…..unless you people who do not get us get to train with us (that’s you, too!) battle-hardened warriors us dealers of pain….judge they not of us or disrespect the danger and devastation we could unleash upon them. Happen that we are noble and we are kind and you and we will live to fight another day whence the outcome may be different but I endeavour for that outcome to be mine and mine alone. It really is thus that I the only one at the ending of me is me.

That is what I shan’t share with you.

Hopefully I’ve bored you all into death (pardon(?) and you didn’t even notice I’d thrown you sixteen times did you(?)

Thank you all xx

Much love,

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